Sheisse! Ich muchte wieder Englisch sprechen

Ok, so there's a big push to get England fans chanting their songs in German at the upcoming Football World Cup. (My god, how likely is THAT?) Reuters reports:

In its package of travel tips for fans at the month-long tournament, the Foreign Office is to provide handy singalong translations on its website www.britishembassyworldcup.com.
[the dude in charge of this weirdo plot reports:] "We are not sure when they will go up on the site and which chants will be chosen."

In liu of this agonising uncertainty, I plan to put my shoddy-ass German into good use. Starting off with one of my own personal favorites:

"Come on have a go if you think you're hard enough
You're going home in a fucking ambulance."

"Komst du shon mal wenn du denkest das du zäh genug bist.
Du gehtst in einen Krankenwagen nach Hause."*

Doesn't quite have the same ring to it, does it? Poo. Other than the appropriate glottal violence factor lended by the German I think this plan is a loser.

(*Sorry maasman, I know that's a piss-poor translation. Feel free to mock me.)

Is this even legal?

The freakshow surrounding Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes is seriously driving me mad. What is all this nonsense about keeping quiet while NOT taking painkillers during birth? How sick can this man get? Is he the most self-centered man in the Universe? Very possibly. And then I read this in some English newspaper:

A Scientology insider said: “Tom would have been required to report back about the birth, tell them if it was silent or not and if Katie was given drugs. He would have been asked to hand over notes and recordings to supervisors who will determine if anything traumatic happened to the mother and baby. If so, Katie will be given extra counselling — or auditing as the church calls it.”

SURE that kid needs counselling. But not from those assholes.

We must do something about this obscene situation. Anybody interested in a Save Katie t-shirt?

What about Don King?

It seems everybody has a fan club these days. Even that guy who was just nominated for "world's unsexiest man" has a fan club. Then again, two nights ago I was watching some show on channel 5 about uber-hairy women and the men who are seriously into that kind of thing. And we're not talking a few spiders here and there; it's full-on, smack-down monkey-suit proportions. Gross? Sure. And yet, truly marvelous. When you stop and think about it, everyone needs a cheering section.

How Scary is Easter?

This is a German breeding rabbit, supposedly. Ew. I sure don't want to be there when that happens.

Pig Olympics

Turns out the a Russian Sport-Pig Federation, 100 members strong, organized the annual Pig Olympics this past week. No folks, this is not a joke; I saw it fair and square on Reuters. They do look cute in their little bathing-caps though don't they?

Oh sweet LORD!

As some of you may have heard, the current reigning champion of the Ugliest Dog in the World contest (in California, where else?) has died at the age of 14. Bless. I hope he's resting in peace. With a bag over his head.

IKEA Stands for...

I Keep Adjusting And...

It makes NO DIFFERENCE WHAT SO EVER!

Why do my drawers not fit? Hmmm? I have SEVEN (7) drawers that have decided, last minute, on page 40 bloody 5, NOT TO FIT.

MMmmmghrophopgbrrrrrr...

It's cool though. For the first time in my life (not counting my Sarah Lawrence housemates -- no offence, Stephen G) I have a hotblooded male in my house. He figured I'd done the runners backwards. DUH. UH.

THAT'S what we like to see...

According to the website, this thing fell out of a tree. And yet, they never learn.

Camel Toes

Oh dear. This site is too good not to share. In fact, according to my somewhat altered memory, I believe it was Mozo who explained cameltoes to me back in High School. Bless.

But then there's this...

Sometimes you can really get suckered into loving where you live. After the obscene prices, Victorian plumbing, life-threatening traffic situations, barbaric healthcare,
*the %$*!^£ weather* -- I still adore London. Days like this remind me why. (And if you happen to be on Primrose Hill around 5pm or so, listen carefully... you might just hear the lions roaring in the zoo!)

Slap My Tail and Call Me Stinky

So, the reason for my prolonged absence is that I literally could not get to my desk. There are now FOUR dogs in my 137-square-foot flat and about £700 worth of Ikea flat-pack. Randy is moving in this weekend and some lady I barely know invited her Doberman to stay over for 2 weeks while she basks in the Antigua sun. The timing couldn't be better. However, the most disturbing thing is that each new dog is bigger than the last one. Soon I will be running a pony-park and petting zoo from my third floor apartment. Did I mention that I'm trying to be an actress???